Coming Out

Being lesbian, gay or bisexual may feel difficult to come to terms with. It can be hard to be different from your friends and you may hear or see people saying hurtful things about gay, lesbian and bisexual people.

What we want you to hear, and believe, is that being LGB is absolutely OK. It's perfectly natural and normal. It's just a part of who you are.

Am I gay? Am I a lesbian? Am I bisexual?

If you are feeling attracted to people the same sex as you, then you may be. You may feel attracted to only girls, only boys or both. Maybe it feels confusing or maybe it is absolutely clear to you. Whatever — you were probably brought up expecting to be straight, so it may take you a while to figure out what feels right to you. That's OK. Take your time.

Am I the only one?

No. There are loads of LGB people all over the world, in every culture, country and continent and LGB people have existed throughout history.

There will be other LGB people in your school, college and place of work even if you don't know it. Many people have feelings towards people of the same sex at some point in their lives. Some people act on these feelings and some people don't. So don't worry, you are definitely not the only one!

Is it wrong to be lesbian, gay or bisexual?

No. Your feelings are natural and part of who you are. Some people believe that it is wrong to be attracted to people of the same sex and may tell you that it's not natural, but that is simply not true. You have the same rights as everyone else to a life that is happy, healthy and safe — a life where you are free to be you.

Coming out

'Coming out' is what people often call the process of telling others that you are lesbian, gay or bisexual. Deciding whether or not to 'come out' or tell other people about your feelings towards people of the same sex can be very hard. You are the only person who can make this decision - and that can be pretty scary! If you are thinking about 'coming out' there are a few questions you might want to ask yourself first:

Why do I want to come out?

It is important to think about your reasons for wanting to tell people about your feelings. Good reasons might include:

"Because my sexuality is an important part of who I am," or "because I am proud of who I am," or "because I want to meet other gay/lesbian/bisexual people," or for many other reasons which are important to you.

Who should I tell?

Some LGB people say that 'coming out' to somebody outside their family helped them to discuss their feelings and to prepare them for talking with their family and close friends. Others say that they felt it was important for them to 'come out' to their family first. Who you tell (or not tell) is really up to you — it's your information. If you would like to talk to someone who you don't know, or who knows what it is like, you can get in touch with us.

How might people react?

If you do decide to talk to other people about your feelings you may be worried about their reactions. Unfortunately, people don't always react in the way we want them to. It is a good idea to think about possible responses and how you might deal with them, especially if you decide to 'come out' to your family. You may be able to predict other people's reactions by thinking about their attitudes in general, how they react when they see, for example, a story-line about lesbian/gay/bisexual people on the television.

How should I tell them?

Once you have decided that you are going to 'come out' to somebody else you may be worried about exactly how to do it. There are no rules that say you have to do this in a certain way — it's what works best for you. Some things that can help are:

• Try to pick a time when you are both quite relaxed and have plenty of time available to talk.
• Try not to follow a script, you can almost guarantee that some people will react differently from how you expected.
• It's not a good idea to try to talk to other people about such a potentially sensitive issue if you are feeling particularly angry or emotional, or if either you or they are drunk. Dutch courage might seem like a good idea at the time, but you may end up saying something you will regret later.
• Remember that people may be shocked or upset at first and might need a little time to think about what you have told them.

One young gay man said that his mum burst into tears when he first told her. Later, she said "You've had 16 years to get used to it, at least let me have a few days." They still enjoy a very close and loving relationship. You may find that your family or friends will be really pleased that you have confided in them and happy you have included them in that aspect of your life right from the start.

Most importantly, don't forget that this is about you and your life. Who you tell is your choice. You're in charge here.

So what now?

So you've told someone. You're either balancing on a knife-edge or jumping for joy, or most likely a bit of both. Some people describe feeling very relieved, like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders.

Try to keep in control of your feelings. You may feel very excited, which is great, but family and friends may be worried that you have changed beyond recognition. Try to explain how you are feeling to them and that any changes are for the better.

Most people will experience many positive reactions, for example: "I'm really glad you felt you could talk to me" or "I guessed a while ago and was waiting for you to say something"" — and occasionally people have also been met with "me too!"

If things haven't quite gone the way you planned them - don't give in. Give people close to you time to take in and digest the information you have given them. Think about how long it took you to be at ease with your feelings. Family and close friends might need a similar amount of time.

If things go so badly that you feel like giving up completely on 'coming out' it's important that you find some support. Again, you can get in touch with us to find out what help is available.

'Coming out' stories

It can sometimes be helpful to hear about other people's experiences when you are weighing up the pros and cons of 'coming out'. Here are some coming out stories written by young people.

"I was about 16 when I started to have feelings for one of my best friends, Sarah. After a few weeks I built up enough courage to tell her how I felt, and to my surprise she told me she felt the same! We kept our relationship a secret for about six months because we were still at school and were afraid of being bullied, until one day I told a boy in our class and he told the rest of the year! All of our friends were fine about it apart from being upset that we hadn't told them before. Nobody gave us any hassle, and we are still very happy together." Rachel 18

"Somehow I plucked up the courage to tell my mum. She was a bit shocked at first, but she soon came round and is really supportive now. My Dad found out by accident when he found some gay magazines in my room and he went mad. He still won't talk to me about it and pretends he never found out." John 16

"I went with my mum to a gay club and she asked me if I had something to tell her. I said 'Yes, I'm bisexual and I've got a girlfriend.' I didn't really know how she would react, but I definitely wasn't prepared for 'Yeah, I guessed a while ago, but I wouldn't worry about it, I'm bisexual myself.'" Vicky 20

"I was in the middle of an argument with my parents when I came out, which was probably a mistake. I looked at them and out of blind frustration and rage said 'I am gay, I didn't choose to be, it's just the way it is.' After a pause my mum hugged me and thanked me for finally being honest with them. My parents are very religious and still think it is a sin to be gay. We don't have a great relationship, but at least everything is out in the open and I can get on with just being me." Seb 17

We don't just 'come out' once

The term 'coming out' sounds as though it is a one-off act, but in fact most people who are lesbian, gay or bisexual have to 'come out' again and again as they meet new people, take up new jobs and so on. However, the good news is it gets a lot easier and less scary with practice, and by doing this the world changes as more and more people know someone who is lesbian, gay or bisexual.

Coping with heterosexism and homophobia

Unfortunately heterosexism and homophobia are still very real issues for lesbian, gay and bisexual people. Heterosexism is the system of beliefs and behaviour based on the assumption that everybody is, or wants to be, heterosexual and that heterosexuality is superior to gay sexuality. For example, someone who teases a young man that he hasn't got a girlfriend is displaying heterosexism, by assuming that the young man is heterosexual.

Homophobia is discrimination or prejudice against lesbian, gay and bisexual people because of their sexual orientation. The word homophobia comes from the word fear, often fear is at the root of people's strong reactions. Homophobia can sometimes be expressed in ways that can be extremely abusive or unpleasant. For example, a young woman being bullied and called names because she is a lesbian is experiencing homophobia.

However you decide to come to terms with your sexuality, it's important that you find support if you need it. This may come from family and friends, teachers or support workers in college, or from an outside organisation. Most importantly, remember that you are an individual and you deserve respect, friendship - and love.

This guide was produced by The Centre for HIV and Sexual Health, Sheffield. www.sexualhealthsheffield.nhs.uk